Dear Earth, I was awake in the night.

After a heated conversation I was stuck awake with my brain fizzing until 3 a.m. Either that, or it was the big chocolate caramel brownie, and I’d rather give up triggering conversations than sugar so…

I was triggered into a complicated combination of thoughts and feelings, including whether I was safe, and whether I was a good person or a terrible person. It wasn’t the fault of the other person or of the group we were talking about – I was a gun on a hair-trigger. I am complex, and I have many parts. This morning they’ve all settled down again, but in the night there was nothing I could do to soothe them.

If I am this complex, precious Earth, and this delicate, then how much more so are you? How can the scientists even begin to make sense of what we are doing to you? I do know that they are heaping up evidence of the knock on effects of the results of our harming you – one terrible snooker ball hitting another and another and another…

“The Earth is a huge interlinked system with different parts that all interact with and affect one another. Therefore, to try to understand the full implications of climate change and biodiversity loss, we need to think holistically.  Moreover, it is unrealistic and hubristic to suppose that such holistic thinking could ever be complete or enough. We must accept living in a world that we will never fully understand. The unbelievable complexity of Earth is something before which we should be humble.”

Extinction Rebellion: The Emergency

It’s been easy to return my system to equilibrium. Some writing in my journal at 1 a.m., a gentle start to the morning, an apology. An acknowledgement that I’ll never ‘fix’ myself, just keep on making adjustments to the system. A lean in to something bigger which holds me.

How can we even begin to heal you, dear Earth?

I hear her whispering: start where you are. Keep your eyes open to what is happening. Be gentle to me whenever you can. Speak up for me. Stay humble. Keep on leaning into my lap which, even as you hurt me, is wide and soft and full of love.

With sweet grief for you, Satya <3

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Gratitude for the photo by Ganapathy Kumar on Unsplash